It's the bad joke thread
- Thread starter doemasters
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How do scientists keep their breath fresh?
With experi-mints!
With experi-mints!
Dead baby jokes?
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Team Cornwell
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Team Cornwell
Joey and Giuseppe were a coworkers for many years. One day while they were eating their lunch, Joey asked Giuseppe,
<Italian accent>
"Giuseppe, tell me-a somethin. Do you like makin-a love to a fat-a woman?"
"No, Joey, why-a do you ask-a me that?"
"Tell me-a something, Giuseppe. Do you like-a woman with a hairy arm-a-pits? Do you like-a a woman that smells?"
"No, Joey, of course-a not. Why are you askin-a me these questions?"
"Tell me something, Giuseppe. Do you like-a woman who doesn't-a clean, can't-a cook, and all she-a does is nag-a, nag-a, nag-a?
"No, Joey, of course-a not! Please-a quit askin-a me these questions!"
"Well just me this-a, Giuseppe. Why-a you been-a makin' love to my-a wife?!?!"
<Italian accent>
"Giuseppe, tell me-a somethin. Do you like makin-a love to a fat-a woman?"
"No, Joey, why-a do you ask-a me that?"
"Tell me-a something, Giuseppe. Do you like-a woman with a hairy arm-a-pits? Do you like-a a woman that smells?"
"No, Joey, of course-a not. Why are you askin-a me these questions?"
"Tell me something, Giuseppe. Do you like-a woman who doesn't-a clean, can't-a cook, and all she-a does is nag-a, nag-a, nag-a?
"No, Joey, of course-a not! Please-a quit askin-a me these questions!"
"Well just me this-a, Giuseppe. Why-a you been-a makin' love to my-a wife?!?!"
Cheater! That was a good joke.
Two young boys decide that they are old enough to begin using swear words, so they hatch a plan...
"Today at breakfast, I'm going to use the words 'hell' and 'damn', and I want you to use the word 'ass' ". Then they procede down to the breakfast table.
Their mother asks, "What do you boys want for breakfast?"
The first boy quickly replies, "Aw hell, just give me some damn Cheerios!"
Their mother immediately slaps him, scolds him, and sends him up to his room. She then glares at the other boy and asks him what he wants.
After a moment he replies, "I dunno, but you can bet your fat ass it's not going to be Cheerios!"
"Today at breakfast, I'm going to use the words 'hell' and 'damn', and I want you to use the word 'ass' ". Then they procede down to the breakfast table.
Their mother asks, "What do you boys want for breakfast?"
The first boy quickly replies, "Aw hell, just give me some damn Cheerios!"
Their mother immediately slaps him, scolds him, and sends him up to his room. She then glares at the other boy and asks him what he wants.
After a moment he replies, "I dunno, but you can bet your fat ass it's not going to be Cheerios!"
What has 4 wheels and flies?
a garbage truck
a garbage truck
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow :dance:
I'll tell you tomorrow :dance:
Q: What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
A: You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.
A: You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Q: How do you get a thousand dead babies into a phone booth?
A: Blender.
Q2: How do you get them back out?
A2: Tortilla chips.
A: Blender.
Q2: How do you get them back out?
A2: Tortilla chips.
Husband asks his wife to buy cigarettes on her way home. She comes home with a can of loose tobacco and some rolling papers. Husband asks wife "What the hell is this?" Wife says "I figured to save money, you could roll your own"
3 weeks later, wife is about to start her period, and realized she's out of tampons. She asks her husband to pick some up on the way home. He shows up with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of twine. Wife asks "what the hell is this?"
Husband says...
"I figured to save some money, you could ROLL YOUR OWN"
3 weeks later, wife is about to start her period, and realized she's out of tampons. She asks her husband to pick some up on the way home. He shows up with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of twine. Wife asks "what the hell is this?"
Husband says...
"I figured to save some money, you could ROLL YOUR OWN"
I came across this one on FB. It is actually kinda but also bad.
Grandpa The Gambler
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
Grandpa The Gambler
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
moses, jesus, and a very old man were playing golf one day.
they come to the 18th hole all tied. it's a par 4 with a water hazard.
moses steps up first and unleashes a great shot. it's high and long but headed straight for the water. as it goes in the hazard, jesus and the old man start laughing. moses just looks at them with contempt and says he can still make par.
he walks down to the water, puts up his hands and the water parts. he walks out to where his ball landed, takes his wedge and knocks a great shot that lands 3 feet from the cup. he then walks over and makes the easy put for birdie.
moses looks over to the others with a big grin of pride as jesus and the old man both nod their heads in approval.
jesus steps up next and unleashes the same great shot. but, alas, his ball goes in the water as well.
he walks down to the water, looks over at moses, then to the old man, grins slyly, then proceeds to walk out onto the water. when he gets to where the ball went in, he holds his hands out, palms down towards the water. the water begins to ripple and the ball pops to the surface. he takes his wedge and knocks an amazing shot that lands 2 feet from the cup. he, too, walks over and makes an even easier put. also for birdie.
he looks over at moses and the old man and they both look on with approval.
now it's the old man's turn.
he steps up to the tee, drives the ball dead center and it takes off with a thunderous noise.
but as fate would have it, his ball, too, is headed straight for the water. moses and jesus are both giggling to each other as the ball is headed for the water. they're both thinking out loud, how in the world the old man is going to get his ball.
as the ball is falling towards the water, a big-ole fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth. before he can land back in the water, an eagle swoops down and catches the fish in his talons. jesus and moses both start laughing hysterically as they just know the old man's ball is headed for some tree somewhere in the nearby woods and he'll be lucky to make a bogey.
but as the eagle is flying over the green, the fish starts to wriggle and flail in the eagle's talons. the eagle drops the fish onto the green, the ball pops out of the fish, hits the green and rolls into the cup; netting the old man a double birdie, the hole, and the game.
moses looks over at jesus and says, "you know, i really hate playing golf with your dad."
they come to the 18th hole all tied. it's a par 4 with a water hazard.
moses steps up first and unleashes a great shot. it's high and long but headed straight for the water. as it goes in the hazard, jesus and the old man start laughing. moses just looks at them with contempt and says he can still make par.
he walks down to the water, puts up his hands and the water parts. he walks out to where his ball landed, takes his wedge and knocks a great shot that lands 3 feet from the cup. he then walks over and makes the easy put for birdie.
moses looks over to the others with a big grin of pride as jesus and the old man both nod their heads in approval.
jesus steps up next and unleashes the same great shot. but, alas, his ball goes in the water as well.
he walks down to the water, looks over at moses, then to the old man, grins slyly, then proceeds to walk out onto the water. when he gets to where the ball went in, he holds his hands out, palms down towards the water. the water begins to ripple and the ball pops to the surface. he takes his wedge and knocks an amazing shot that lands 2 feet from the cup. he, too, walks over and makes an even easier put. also for birdie.
he looks over at moses and the old man and they both look on with approval.
now it's the old man's turn.
he steps up to the tee, drives the ball dead center and it takes off with a thunderous noise.
but as fate would have it, his ball, too, is headed straight for the water. moses and jesus are both giggling to each other as the ball is headed for the water. they're both thinking out loud, how in the world the old man is going to get his ball.
as the ball is falling towards the water, a big-ole fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth. before he can land back in the water, an eagle swoops down and catches the fish in his talons. jesus and moses both start laughing hysterically as they just know the old man's ball is headed for some tree somewhere in the nearby woods and he'll be lucky to make a bogey.
but as the eagle is flying over the green, the fish starts to wriggle and flail in the eagle's talons. the eagle drops the fish onto the green, the ball pops out of the fish, hits the green and rolls into the cup; netting the old man a double birdie, the hole, and the game.
moses looks over at jesus and says, "you know, i really hate playing golf with your dad."
A young couple was having a hard time reining in their twin eight year old boys' swearing. At home, in school, in public, with company, on the phone; every other sentence was "fuck this" or "fuck that".
Late one night, after the twins were in bed, mom and dad began plotting how to control their filthy language. They decided to beat the hell out of the next one to swear within earshot.
Next morning the twins bounce down the stairs into the kitchen for breakfast. "What can I get you boys to eat" asks mom cheerfully. "How 'bout a bowl of fucking cheerios" chirps the first. Even before the words had finished leaving his mouth, his father smacked the boy's face so hard he landed in the kitchen sink. His mom pulled him out and punched him right in the gut. To finish the job, his father drop kicked the boy all the way back upstairs to his bedroom shouting "Maybe you'd like to think about that and start your day over again!" Mom, wiping some sweat from her brow, calmly turned back to the other boy and asked what he would like for breakfast.
White as a sheet and shaking with fear he answered "Well I don't know, but I sure as shit don't want no fucking cheerios!"
Late one night, after the twins were in bed, mom and dad began plotting how to control their filthy language. They decided to beat the hell out of the next one to swear within earshot.
Next morning the twins bounce down the stairs into the kitchen for breakfast. "What can I get you boys to eat" asks mom cheerfully. "How 'bout a bowl of fucking cheerios" chirps the first. Even before the words had finished leaving his mouth, his father smacked the boy's face so hard he landed in the kitchen sink. His mom pulled him out and punched him right in the gut. To finish the job, his father drop kicked the boy all the way back upstairs to his bedroom shouting "Maybe you'd like to think about that and start your day over again!" Mom, wiping some sweat from her brow, calmly turned back to the other boy and asked what he would like for breakfast.
White as a sheet and shaking with fear he answered "Well I don't know, but I sure as shit don't want no fucking cheerios!"
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