“When I was a child my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk, you'll be the pope.' Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.”
Groucho asks a man why he has so many children. The man replies, “because I love my wife”. Groucho responds, “I love my cigar too but I take it out every now and then “.
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