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The Resident College Football Expert Week 2 – Where Were You When It Happened?

By: The Resident college Football Expert

Well loyal and loving fans of The Resident College Football Expert, the college football season certainly got off to a bang in week one. Just think, years from now, your grand children will ask you, “Grandpa (or ma, whatever), where were you the day Appalachian State upset Michigan?” You will reply…well…wherever you were. How does your Expert know where you were? You just better remember it because they will ask. Darn kids and all their stinking nosy questions.

Anyway, it was unfortunate we had to be subjected to the torture of clinging to that cesspool of a network called ESPN to see highlights of this game. From Granny Clampett messing her diaper about how this was “no big deal” to the so called “Experts” from GameDay who “knew” this was going to happen. Really, the folks at ESPN “knew” this was going to happen? I guess that’s why they made the ingenious decision to air this game on ESPN? What’s that you say, they didn’t air this game on ESPN? They must have thought showing Mich St. blowing out UAB was more important. Or maybe they wanted you to pay for GamePlan and watch the week’s biggest game on PPV? What’s that? Didn’t show it on GamePlan either? How can that be? They “knew” this game was set-up to be the biggest upset in the history of College Football. They must have shown it somewhere?

The truth is, those idiots had no idea that Michigan was about to be upset by a 1-AA team. Wait, sorry, a team from the division formerly known as 1-AA. Who does this division think it is, Prince? What do they mean, “the division formerly known as 1-AA?” Shouldn’t you give something a new name before removing the old name? How about if your Expert did that? He is no longer the Resident College Football Expert. He hasn’t decided what his new name will be, so in the meantime, just call him _____. Who was responsible for removing the name of this division before giving it a new name? Oh, so the NCAA was involved? Well now it all makes sense.

But the App St. upset of Michigan was not the only media darling going down and leaving “so called” college football experts within the media scrambling for lame excuses. Notre Dumb also got blasted by Ga Tech AT HOME! How sweet it is. Oh, but they just haven’t decided “who their quarterback is going to be yet,” that’s why they played so poorly. Once they figure that out, they will be back on the road to the national title. Really? That “Genius” of a coach couldn’t figure out who is best QB was in 9 MONTHS??? Go figure. Or maybe he was only winning with Ty Willingham’s players? Maybe all the players Weis has brought in stink?

A superb weekend of college action was capped with a left coast beat-down for your favorite super sleuth, Phatty Phil and his Viles. It’s seems that ever since Phatty decided he was better served snooping around other team’s recruiting rather than actually coaching his own team, he hasn’t been able to put a top quality product on the field. Funny how that works out. Wonder why his team was so ill prepared for this game? Maybe he spent the off season snooping around Gainesville to uncover the cheating that Urban Meyer is no doubt up to (how else could he out recruit Phatty by such a wide margin?). Or maybe he was too busy trying to sell Krispy Kreme on the idea of sending notifications to his Blackberry when the “Hot, Now” light comes on? Whatever the reason, the Viles could have real problems this year. Cuttcliff better get the resume in order because Phatty will need a scapegoat by November.

The Resident College Football Expert will be honest with you, he was pretty depressed when John Bunting and Chuck Amato left the ranks of Div-1 head coaches at the end of last season. Who would step up and set the bar for coaching incompetence this season? Who would blow countless games and bring us the comedy we require each and every week. We need someone slow witted, stubborn, and void of all good judgment. But who fits such a mold as this? Never fear fans, RON ZOOK is here. That’s right, he still has a job, your Expert is just as surprised as you. Oh Zooky still knows how to blow a game! First off, when your team is down 6 with two minutes to go and your quarterback is burning timeouts following incompletions (WITH THE CLOCK ALREADY STOPPED), you have to start feeling that the game may not end well. Why is he calling timeouts anyway? Can any good come from talking to Zooky before running a play? The answer is, of course, no. The Illini were marching down the field, they drove it all the way down to the 22, then timeout, advice from Zooky, and of course that’s followed by a game ending interception. Whatever Zooky said during that timeout should be placed on some kind of coaching blooper reel because we know it had to be comedy, high comedy. “We’ve worked it down the field with short passes, but now we don’t have any timeouts left because we stupidly burned all of them with the clock stopped. We have to throw it into the end zone on this play. Remember, if your guy is double covered, just throw it right to the safety and hope for best.” You know he said something close to this.

Even though Zook may attain a level of incompetence you would think is unmatched, K-State’s Ron Prince made his own push toward claiming the crown of “Most Incompetent College Football Coach” last weekend. His speech to his guys to give him “six plays, run the clock, and then we’ll punt” is the kind of stuff that just breeds mediocrity. “Come on guys, let’s go out there and FAIL!” Though an offense would generally try to run what the defense is NOT expecting, would be trying to drive the ball down the field, and maybe even score, Prince decided the way to sew that game up was by doing exactly what the defense knew he would try to do, to just run six plays, and then punt. How did that work out for him? He still has time to change, though. Zook has been blowing games for seven years now. Maybe Prince has learned that no one is giving away victories, you have to TAKE them.

So we are no doubt on our way to a fantastic season. If the rest of the season is anything like week one, Whoa Nelly, it’s going to be one heck of a ride. That’s really where being a College Football Expert isn’t all that great. When you have the uncanny ability to peer into the future and know what will happen each week before the games are even played, it takes a little of the fun out of it. Like Clemson over Florida State last week. Your Expert is kind enough however to leave some surprises (like App St. over Michigan) under his hat so you folks can enjoy the season.

Notre Dumb vs. Penn State

Some are saying Michigan may have lost to the worst team on their schedule but your Expert says no, that honor belongs to Notre Dumb! Will Jimmy Clausen be their savior this week? Remember Casey Clausen? What NFL team does he quarterback now? These brothers aren’t that far apart and Old JoePa still gets a kick out of wooping The Dumb! He won’t let this one get away…Penn State 27 Notre Dumb 10.

South Carolina vs. UGA

What’s wrong with “The Old Ball Coach’s” team this year? Almost losing to Lafayette in week one? Maybe inheriting a group of thugs from Granny Clampett on a team where it’s nearly impossible to out recruit other nearby teams is a project not even old Stevie can make look doable. Eighth year senior (he’s been there forever, hasn’t he) Blake Mitchell won’t make much of a difference considering he’s not all that good in the first place and there is almost zero talent around him. UGA should win this one going away and the rumors of Steve being interested in the Bama job will seem a lot more creditable…UGA 34 USC 14.

Va Tech vs. LSU

Your Expert still isn’t sold on LSU as a top 5 team, however, Va Tech is looking like an even harder sell at this point. Against East Carolina last week, they showed the nation that they have a QB who can’t throw, can’t run, and an offensive line that isn’t real good at that blocking stuff. All things that lead to defeat when you play on the road in the SEC. LSU 27 Va Tech 6

Bama vs. Vandy

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Vandy is going to be soooo good this year. They have soooo many weapons on offense. They are a real threat to win seven or eight games this year. Get real. They are still Vandy! Ok, so they hung 40 on Richmond last week. Your Expert would be impressed if not for the fact that he has seen many 2-9 Vandy teams and Richmond always seemed to be included in that 2 wins. Give them four TDs only because Bama relaxes a bit after building a 31-14 lead, but the second half won’t be too stressful for Bama fans. Bama 38 Vandy 28

South Florida vs. The Barn

South Florida is a popular upset pick for this week, but your Expert believes past performance is the greatest indicator of future success and he has a hard time believing that a team that struggled with 1-AA (or ____ as it’s now known) Elon last week is going to the Barn and will beat the Barn. Mike Ford has a lot of talent, but does he have enough blocking to slash through an SEC defense? Don’t think so…The Barn 30 USF 14

Miami vs. Oklahoma

Your Expert is so excited Miami is facing a top ten team this week. He was been waiting all summer to make fun of the Canes for hiring Randy Shannon as their head coach. So the assistant coach who wasn’t good enough to be their head coach back a few years ago when they made another of their assistant coaches the head coach is all of a sudden the right man to be their head coach? That makes no sense. There are bad problems in Miami right now and they will just keep getting worse if they don’t find the right leader to take over that program. The other team in this game does have a solid guy in charge. That’s why they will make a run at a national title and why they win this game BIG! OK 37 Miami 10

TCU vs. Texas

Texas struggling with Arkansas St last week has made TCU another sexy upset pick this week for many other prognosticators. Your Expert knows that the scare last week will have the opposite effect on the Longhorns this week. It’s going to serve as a major wake-up call to the Longhorns and have them ready to trounce the Hornfrogs when they roll into town. Texas 35 TSU 10

North Texas Hating Pick of the Week: North Texas vs. SMU

It was a major surprise to your Expert when North Texas actually won a game last year and that win came against SMU. This year however, the Mean Green will travel to the Mustang’s house and SMU will be out for revenge. You just have to love a game between two teams this crummy, right? Anything could happen, that’s why the final score will be… SMU 11 North Texas 4

Upset of the week #1: Southern Miss vs. The Viles

One thing Phatty has shown us in his tenure as the head coach of the Viles is that his teams are prone to losing streaks and he has no idea how to motivate his team to rebound from a devastating loss. Until he shows your Expert he is capable of rebounding, his teams will always make for good upset specials following tough loses. Southern Miss 17 The Viles 16

Upset of the Week #2: Boise St vs. Washington

Five years ago would Boise State losing at Washington be considered an upset? Seems unlikely, yet that’s where we are today in college football. Boise has had many an undefeated regular season recently by dominating their crummy little conference and sneaking up a mediocre major conference foe early in the season. Funny thing about winning a BCS bowl and being ranked in the top 25 is that it makes it tough to sneak up on people. Ty Willingham is turning the Huskies around and he needs this marquee win to help recruiting. That’s why his team will protect the home field this week. Washington 27 Boise St 24
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