The wind blows across the plains of the midwest, carrying the scent of bitterness and the sharp, metallic taste - that combined with a crisp morning temperature, brings an increasing awareness that the fall football season is in full swing. The wind blows across Oklahoma, picking up the scent of bitterness and carrying with it the cries of the sorrowful, mourning an unfathomable loss. The wind blows through the Ozark Mountains of Arkansas, where it picks up something most foul - an aroma that can only be described as "The Walking Dead" blended with Jimmy Dean Sausage. But this is not the end. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the Wheel of Football Time. What has been shall once again come to pass, as the Wheel of Football Time Turns.
In one turn, in one time, We find the razorpigs of the Northwestern Arkansas State Institute for the Swinically Insane licking their wounds from a horrific beating. I delayed in writing this post because Arkansas sucks so badly this season. Really badly. Even delusional Ozark Mountain Yokels have limits to their madness, and this year might actually see a new turning of the wheel in this new age - an age that was with Jack Crowe. An age that has come again.
All that said, THIS IS ARKANSAS WEEK! And this is THE POST of Arkansas week!
Every year the Razorpig fans get all up in arms.
They get totally lathered, foaming at the mouth in a manner that can only be described as total batcrap CRAZY, with the belief that THIS IS THEIR YEAR to beat the ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Every other year they make the 550 mile trek, braving the rice paddies of Arkanam, the real life Grand Theft Auto drive through Memphis, and the reverberating echoes of Banjo music in the hills of Mississippi - all to invade God's country... Alabama. The rabid and ravenous Ozarkiansasans pour across the Tenn-Tom and Black Warrior like Zombies against the Jerusalem wall in World War Z, filled with moonshine and the belief that Arkansas will walk out of Bryant-Denny Stadium with heads held high in victory. The very mention of the word "Alabama" stirs the Pig nation into an excited frenzy like a hunting party of African Pygmies racing across the Savanah wearing Lady Gaga meat dresses... and every year Sunday morning they awaken to the harsh reality that they are hungover - and losers...and Arkansas.
In this annual post, I attempt to chronicle the mind numbingly stupid progression of logic that permeates that trichinosis riddled brains of razorpork fans in the week leading up to the Alabama game. With the game held later than normal this season, the fans of swine-fluville have, for the most part, realized that they are still Arkansas...but some have not. Some of the Razorback faithful on the interwebs talk about upsets - while other suggest making the game more enjoyable by partaking of mind-altering substances prior to the game.
Sunday Morning - Day 1 of Bama Week.
Wake up feeling like some lower form of piglodyte. Lord my head hurts. Maybe I shouldn't have drank that 22nd beer. Or the fifth of Seagram's Seven. Or the water out of my car battery.
No breakfast for me today. I am too sick.
I can't believe we lost. Sheesh. I mean, we beat LaLa. They are not bad...3-2 now. We beat Samford. They are a great team and David Shaw is a great coach. USM is always tough.
...but how did we lose by 50? To a Chicken. Pigs eat chickens.
Oh my head.
I need some asprin.
Where did I put that car battery.
No internet for me today.
Monday Morning - Day 2 of Bama Week
Wake up feeling like a beaten Hog. I think I will have a wheat grass smoothie for breakfast. With Bacon.
Well, the sun came up today. I didn't think it would... at least I can go to work at Tyson and pull the feathers out of some chickens! That will make me feel better after what the Gamecocks did to us. They are not really that good. We helped them out so much... It was really our fault we lost that game, and USCe could have beaten anyone on that day - we gave them 3 turnovers. Take those turnovers away and it was a totally different ball game. Coach Spurrier is the best in the business and he has the best team in the SEC most of the time...except when we are better... which is usually the case... but it wasn't this past Saturday...well, at least not for the part of the game where they were scoring.
I think I will log onto the internet and see what folks are saying about our chances this week at Bama. I hope we can make it competitive. Those arrogant bammmers probably think they are gonna blow us out. They wont. We will keep it close. Mostly. Saban isn't Spurrier - he doesn't run it up anyway... hmmmm I need a new username. How about "HawgtiedCongress." That sounds fitting.
I might scan the Bama boards but I won't post.
Tuesday - Day 3 of Bama Week
Wake up feeling Mildly Piggish. I wants me some sausage and bacon to go with my hot links for breakfast. Life is good.
Man, I was just thinking about how wonderful it is to be a hog, when I realized. HAWGS is where its at - yessir. We hogs are resilient. I mean, we lost to The Citadel and then beat Tennessee... and we have a lot more talent than back then... and Coach Enema will be sure we don't get run over by that inside trout.
I think I will log in and chat with some of those know it all bammmers on RollTideBama. I need a new username for that board... HamSolo sounds good!
Yep. Those bammers are talking about how they are gonna win this game. They might win...but they MIGHT NOT. It will be tough sledding. I mean, Tuscaloosa is our home away from home. South Carolina snuck up on us because we had them at home. We KNOW we are walking into the Bear's cave in Tuscaloosa, so we will be READY!
Awe !@#$ that arrogant bammmer Big_Fan is writing that stupid post again this year. He thinks he is some kind of Rick Bragger or something.
Loser.
Thats what he is.
That's what all Bama fans are. They just don't realize it. Someone really should tell them.
But not me.
At least, not this year.
Or, at least not right now.
I am gonna go get me some bbq.
Wednesday - Day 4 of Bama week.
Sooooiiiieeee Pig I am feeling GOOD today!
Those ribs I had for a midnight snack hit the spot!
I can't believe TerryP has left that post up on RTB. That !@#$ posts here and we let him, yet he lets people post garbage like that on RTB. We should ban him.
I am gonna create a new user name and let them have it. ElectroWomanAndDynaPig should do nicely.
...but first some pork chops for lunch... with pork soda...and pork-n-beans.
I can't believe these internet rednecks from Alabama... how dare they talk to me like Bama is a lock to win. Don't they realize that Arkansas has Walmart?!? We could Buy Alabama. The Waltons should buy hounds tooth copyrights and force Bama fans to pay licensing fees to use it. I think I will send them a note about that. Stupid bammers would probably pay for it.
I can't believe this. Some of their fans are predicting a win by more than a TD?!? It will be much closer than that. We might even win! I gotta reg a new name since I got banned... AlbertSwinestein sounds good.
Thursday - Day 5 of Bama week.
MWAHAHAHAHAH PIGS PIGS PIGS HAAAWWWWGGGS SOOOOIEEE PIG!
I feel like the superhawg I am.
I want hot dogs for breakfast. A lot of them. All of them. I am going to go door to door eating everyone's hotdogs because I can. I am a hog fan. We can do that - it is in our fan contract.
pffft. I can't believe the garbage on the interwebs today. Some loser at ESPN picked Bama to upset the hogs and that delusional message board RollTideBama is eating it up! I want to know how they think they will do it. They can't run - or pass. Maybe they have forgotten the Virginia Tech game?!? If an ACC team can shut them down, we can too! Petrino recruited our players and we have more talent than VT - or Bama for that matter. The Hogs have improved a LOT in the past week. Bama has not improved since we beat them last time. They are gonna be sorely disappointed when we monkey stomp them Saturday.... after skull dragging them for 3 hours. We aren't Auburn. We didn't hire a high school coach - we hired a Big ten smashmouth loven hard coaching freaking monster to lead our team. Have you seen his wife?!? You know the guy can coach - look at his wife!
I gotta go back to the haw boards and tell them about this crap. These bama fans are actually convinced they will win! They will be lucky to score! I better go get back-up from the Hawg boards! I can't type enough to tell all of these deluded Bammmers how ignorant they are.
Friday- day 6 of Bama week
SOOOOIIIIE PIG, SOOOIE!!!!
Ali was full of it! He was not the Greatest!!! I AM THE GREATEST! BECAUSE I AM A HOG FAN!!!! AND YOU SUCK IF YOU ARE NOT!
Man!!!! Give me some pancakes for breakfast - cooked in bacon grease. With a side order of a giant summer sausage! I need a Yard-O-Pork, so I can start being as full of pig as I feel!!
Those stupid, arrogant bammers... how dare they stay smugly on their message boards or feign politeness like TerryP does. What he really means is "you stink because of the superb greatness of your hawgs and we cannot compete."
I am calling in the backup today! Me, HawglipsHoolihan, HawgtimusPrime, HunchbackofNotrePig, PiggyGoMarket, Swinefeld, and PorkSammich are gonna let them have it - call to arms all HAWGS!!!! These idtiots on RTB think they will actually win! Can you believe it? They will be lucky to keep it close!
BBQ Lunch, McRib for supper, and I am sending a shot across the bow! You bammmers better stay out of the way We own your stadium because we have never lost to Alabama in a year that ends in 3, or any regular season game played outside of September! You foolish mortals must think we have Bobby Petrino (or Houston Nutt or Danny Ford) as coach! NO!!!!! We have Brett the freaking hitman Bulemia! He will hit you so hard it makes you puke! We will SOWer your season!!!
GOOOOO HOOooooooGggggsssszzzz!!!!!! WOOOO PIG SOOOOIIIIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday - Gameday of Bama Week!
Wake up feeling Transcendently Hoggish! Rogue Voodoo Doughnut bacon flavored BEER for breakfast!!! I AM TheMasterSHOAT! We are the freaking timelords of the SEC! We regenerated! OUR WHOLE TEAM! I bet you didn't know that the Arkansas-freakin-RazorPigs are the official football team of Gallifrey, did you?!? This team is not the same one you saw last week, we will DESTROY YOU, and feed your children to Mike Tyson! Alabama stands no chance. You will lose this game so badly that we will have points left over next season! Mwahahahahahah!!!! The DRUMS!!!! doom doom doom doom.....doom doom doom doom...doom doom doom doom....!!!!!
Sunday - day after Bama.
Oh my head. Wha happen?
How did.
Who is Fowler and is it legal for him to carry our team to the end zone?
I thought Sheldon was that guy off Big Bang theory.
How did that car battery get in my kitchen?
Bama 49
Arkansas 0
See you next year
In one turn, in one time, We find the razorpigs of the Northwestern Arkansas State Institute for the Swinically Insane licking their wounds from a horrific beating. I delayed in writing this post because Arkansas sucks so badly this season. Really badly. Even delusional Ozark Mountain Yokels have limits to their madness, and this year might actually see a new turning of the wheel in this new age - an age that was with Jack Crowe. An age that has come again.
All that said, THIS IS ARKANSAS WEEK! And this is THE POST of Arkansas week!
Every year the Razorpig fans get all up in arms.
They get totally lathered, foaming at the mouth in a manner that can only be described as total batcrap CRAZY, with the belief that THIS IS THEIR YEAR to beat the ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Every other year they make the 550 mile trek, braving the rice paddies of Arkanam, the real life Grand Theft Auto drive through Memphis, and the reverberating echoes of Banjo music in the hills of Mississippi - all to invade God's country... Alabama. The rabid and ravenous Ozarkiansasans pour across the Tenn-Tom and Black Warrior like Zombies against the Jerusalem wall in World War Z, filled with moonshine and the belief that Arkansas will walk out of Bryant-Denny Stadium with heads held high in victory. The very mention of the word "Alabama" stirs the Pig nation into an excited frenzy like a hunting party of African Pygmies racing across the Savanah wearing Lady Gaga meat dresses... and every year Sunday morning they awaken to the harsh reality that they are hungover - and losers...and Arkansas.
In this annual post, I attempt to chronicle the mind numbingly stupid progression of logic that permeates that trichinosis riddled brains of razorpork fans in the week leading up to the Alabama game. With the game held later than normal this season, the fans of swine-fluville have, for the most part, realized that they are still Arkansas...but some have not. Some of the Razorback faithful on the interwebs talk about upsets - while other suggest making the game more enjoyable by partaking of mind-altering substances prior to the game.
Sunday Morning - Day 1 of Bama Week.
Wake up feeling like some lower form of piglodyte. Lord my head hurts. Maybe I shouldn't have drank that 22nd beer. Or the fifth of Seagram's Seven. Or the water out of my car battery.
No breakfast for me today. I am too sick.
I can't believe we lost. Sheesh. I mean, we beat LaLa. They are not bad...3-2 now. We beat Samford. They are a great team and David Shaw is a great coach. USM is always tough.
...but how did we lose by 50? To a Chicken. Pigs eat chickens.
Oh my head.
I need some asprin.
Where did I put that car battery.
No internet for me today.
Monday Morning - Day 2 of Bama Week
Wake up feeling like a beaten Hog. I think I will have a wheat grass smoothie for breakfast. With Bacon.
Well, the sun came up today. I didn't think it would... at least I can go to work at Tyson and pull the feathers out of some chickens! That will make me feel better after what the Gamecocks did to us. They are not really that good. We helped them out so much... It was really our fault we lost that game, and USCe could have beaten anyone on that day - we gave them 3 turnovers. Take those turnovers away and it was a totally different ball game. Coach Spurrier is the best in the business and he has the best team in the SEC most of the time...except when we are better... which is usually the case... but it wasn't this past Saturday...well, at least not for the part of the game where they were scoring.
I think I will log onto the internet and see what folks are saying about our chances this week at Bama. I hope we can make it competitive. Those arrogant bammmers probably think they are gonna blow us out. They wont. We will keep it close. Mostly. Saban isn't Spurrier - he doesn't run it up anyway... hmmmm I need a new username. How about "HawgtiedCongress." That sounds fitting.
I might scan the Bama boards but I won't post.
Tuesday - Day 3 of Bama Week
Wake up feeling Mildly Piggish. I wants me some sausage and bacon to go with my hot links for breakfast. Life is good.
Man, I was just thinking about how wonderful it is to be a hog, when I realized. HAWGS is where its at - yessir. We hogs are resilient. I mean, we lost to The Citadel and then beat Tennessee... and we have a lot more talent than back then... and Coach Enema will be sure we don't get run over by that inside trout.
I think I will log in and chat with some of those know it all bammmers on RollTideBama. I need a new username for that board... HamSolo sounds good!
Yep. Those bammers are talking about how they are gonna win this game. They might win...but they MIGHT NOT. It will be tough sledding. I mean, Tuscaloosa is our home away from home. South Carolina snuck up on us because we had them at home. We KNOW we are walking into the Bear's cave in Tuscaloosa, so we will be READY!
Awe !@#$ that arrogant bammmer Big_Fan is writing that stupid post again this year. He thinks he is some kind of Rick Bragger or something.
Loser.
Thats what he is.
That's what all Bama fans are. They just don't realize it. Someone really should tell them.
But not me.
At least, not this year.
Or, at least not right now.
I am gonna go get me some bbq.
Wednesday - Day 4 of Bama week.
Sooooiiiieeee Pig I am feeling GOOD today!
Those ribs I had for a midnight snack hit the spot!
I can't believe TerryP has left that post up on RTB. That !@#$ posts here and we let him, yet he lets people post garbage like that on RTB. We should ban him.
I am gonna create a new user name and let them have it. ElectroWomanAndDynaPig should do nicely.
...but first some pork chops for lunch... with pork soda...and pork-n-beans.
I can't believe these internet rednecks from Alabama... how dare they talk to me like Bama is a lock to win. Don't they realize that Arkansas has Walmart?!? We could Buy Alabama. The Waltons should buy hounds tooth copyrights and force Bama fans to pay licensing fees to use it. I think I will send them a note about that. Stupid bammers would probably pay for it.
I can't believe this. Some of their fans are predicting a win by more than a TD?!? It will be much closer than that. We might even win! I gotta reg a new name since I got banned... AlbertSwinestein sounds good.
Thursday - Day 5 of Bama week.
MWAHAHAHAHAH PIGS PIGS PIGS HAAAWWWWGGGS SOOOOIEEE PIG!
I feel like the superhawg I am.
I want hot dogs for breakfast. A lot of them. All of them. I am going to go door to door eating everyone's hotdogs because I can. I am a hog fan. We can do that - it is in our fan contract.
pffft. I can't believe the garbage on the interwebs today. Some loser at ESPN picked Bama to upset the hogs and that delusional message board RollTideBama is eating it up! I want to know how they think they will do it. They can't run - or pass. Maybe they have forgotten the Virginia Tech game?!? If an ACC team can shut them down, we can too! Petrino recruited our players and we have more talent than VT - or Bama for that matter. The Hogs have improved a LOT in the past week. Bama has not improved since we beat them last time. They are gonna be sorely disappointed when we monkey stomp them Saturday.... after skull dragging them for 3 hours. We aren't Auburn. We didn't hire a high school coach - we hired a Big ten smashmouth loven hard coaching freaking monster to lead our team. Have you seen his wife?!? You know the guy can coach - look at his wife!
I gotta go back to the haw boards and tell them about this crap. These bama fans are actually convinced they will win! They will be lucky to score! I better go get back-up from the Hawg boards! I can't type enough to tell all of these deluded Bammmers how ignorant they are.
Friday- day 6 of Bama week
SOOOOIIIIE PIG, SOOOIE!!!!
Ali was full of it! He was not the Greatest!!! I AM THE GREATEST! BECAUSE I AM A HOG FAN!!!! AND YOU SUCK IF YOU ARE NOT!
Man!!!! Give me some pancakes for breakfast - cooked in bacon grease. With a side order of a giant summer sausage! I need a Yard-O-Pork, so I can start being as full of pig as I feel!!
Those stupid, arrogant bammers... how dare they stay smugly on their message boards or feign politeness like TerryP does. What he really means is "you stink because of the superb greatness of your hawgs and we cannot compete."
I am calling in the backup today! Me, HawglipsHoolihan, HawgtimusPrime, HunchbackofNotrePig, PiggyGoMarket, Swinefeld, and PorkSammich are gonna let them have it - call to arms all HAWGS!!!! These idtiots on RTB think they will actually win! Can you believe it? They will be lucky to keep it close!
BBQ Lunch, McRib for supper, and I am sending a shot across the bow! You bammmers better stay out of the way We own your stadium because we have never lost to Alabama in a year that ends in 3, or any regular season game played outside of September! You foolish mortals must think we have Bobby Petrino (or Houston Nutt or Danny Ford) as coach! NO!!!!! We have Brett the freaking hitman Bulemia! He will hit you so hard it makes you puke! We will SOWer your season!!!
GOOOOO HOOooooooGggggsssszzzz!!!!!! WOOOO PIG SOOOOIIIIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday - Gameday of Bama Week!
Wake up feeling Transcendently Hoggish! Rogue Voodoo Doughnut bacon flavored BEER for breakfast!!! I AM TheMasterSHOAT! We are the freaking timelords of the SEC! We regenerated! OUR WHOLE TEAM! I bet you didn't know that the Arkansas-freakin-RazorPigs are the official football team of Gallifrey, did you?!? This team is not the same one you saw last week, we will DESTROY YOU, and feed your children to Mike Tyson! Alabama stands no chance. You will lose this game so badly that we will have points left over next season! Mwahahahahahah!!!! The DRUMS!!!! doom doom doom doom.....doom doom doom doom...doom doom doom doom....!!!!!
Sunday - day after Bama.
Oh my head. Wha happen?
How did.
Who is Fowler and is it legal for him to carry our team to the end zone?
I thought Sheldon was that guy off Big Bang theory.
How did that car battery get in my kitchen?
Bama 49
Arkansas 0
See you next year
