MASTERCONTROLPROGRAM
Member
It happens this way every football season. Alabama and Arkansas play in an early SEC match-up.
Alabama begins the season by playing easy out of conference opponents - and one or two more difficult games.
Arkansas begins the season by playing a team from the FCS:
2010 Tenn Tech
2009 Missouri State
2008 W. Illinois
2007 Troy (FBS weak sister. Arkie Played Chattanooga in game 5 that year)
2006 Utah State (D1A weak sister. Arkie played Southeast Missouri State in game 6 that year)
etc...
Sometimes Arkansas will have a difficult game early in the season. UGA for example. USC in 2005/2006. The usually lose it.
The days leading up to the Alabama game are very complicated for Arkansas fans. Using satellite imaging and online video surveillance streams, the MCP has spent significant time and resources tracking the events in the life of the average Hog fan over the course of the week when they play Alabama, to try and decipher the reason for their actions. The following data is the extrapolation of this action.
Here is the normal Arkansas time-line for the Alabama / Arkansas game.
Saturday night one week before the game:
1. Phew! (hickup) that was frustrating. If we play like that against Alabama, they will monkey stomp us again this year. Where is the remote? Is that a cheeto or a chicken wing? (hic) I think I am going to be...
2. Pass out dreaming of Shaud Williams running 80 yards for a touchdown.
Sunday:
1. Get up with hang over. Ask self "How could North Southeastern institute for the Deaf and Blind have held our incredible team to just 7 points in the first half. Wonder how they totaled 300 yards of offense on us. Pancakes...I can't take grease this morning.
2. Don't read paper. Newspaper might have article bashing hogs. log into message board.
3. Read posts about how offense is improving.
4. Write posts about how offense and defense are improving.
5. Read and write more posts about how offense and defense are improving. Did you know North Southeastern institute for the Deaf and Blind won their conference 3 years ago? They are not a terrible team. Toast is good.
6. Log off internet. Watch game again on VHS recording. The second half. Fast forward through commercials, 3&outs, and NSEiD&B offensive possessions.
7. Read media guide.
8. Go to bed and dream of pig things and a cool new internet message board user name.
Monday
1. Hangover gone. Good. Eat something fried and open paper to sports section, after all, the Hogs looked good Saturday.
2. Notice line for Alabama game is Bama -7.
3. Log onto internet and create user name "Hogensteins_monster." Make post "How come Bama is only -7?
4. Listen to Hawg-call radio show, scream Soooiiieeeee pig sooie! many times when they discuss the greatness of hog player X and how good he looked against the resurgent NSEiD&B powerhouse that won 10 NAIA Division 3 national titles back in the 50's. Drink something with alcohol. And agree. A few callers had criticisms that were valid.
5. Log into Bama website and make post "Here to talk football...friendly...you should win, we hope to keep it close!"
6. Eat something fried from the Dairy Diner. Drink some more alcohol. Read Bama replies. They are friendly and agree with me....arrogant bast....
7. Read Hog homer websites.
8. Go to bed and dream powerful visions of pigs and triumph.
Tuesday
1. Slight hangover. Who thought of putting a pizza inside of a hamburger? Look in refrigerator...pass. Mood worsens.
2. Read paper. Writer posts history of Alabama game. We are almost .500 against them. They only owned us lately and prior to 1997 because we were down. We showed them in the early to mid 90's when both teams were at full strength! Blame coach Nutt for recent losses.
3. Log onto internet and read Alabama message boards. They are confident but they are, after all, the #1 team in the nation.
4. Listen to Hog radio call in show. Razorbacks have a chance to win out. Alabama good, but not unbeatable. A couple of callers actually had the nerve to criticize Arkansas, but they were mostly wrong and swiftly dealt with.
5. Log into Hog homer site. Discuss Bama overconvidence with Hogtimus_Prime and OccamsRazorback. Those Bama fans actually think they should be favored, even though the game is in Fayettenam.
6. Drink Alcohol. Post on Bama board "I hope your team/coaches are overlooking Arkansas the way you fans are.' (arrogant bast....)
7. Read Popular hog magazine
8. Sleep and dream about how great recruiting has been over past 5 years.
Wednesday
1. Breakfast...Beer. Make breakfast...leftover hot wings from Hooties this past Saturday.
2. Remember dream about how great recruiting was. Agree with dream.
3. Log into Hog fan message board. Read thread about arrogant Bama player who said "We are approaching this game the same way we always do. Our goal is to dominate every week" or something similar. Get angry. Arrogant bast...
4. Listen to hog fan radio. Nothing but good things to say about hogs. Agree. There is nothing bad to say.
5. Look at Alabama record. Note that they have beaten 2 weak D1 teams - and 1 good one. But the good one was not as good as NSEiD&B. Penn State/Va Tech/Clemson is down this season and overrated.
6. Write off Alabama stats. Games against weak teams don't prove anything. Arkansas is much improved this season. Alabama is not as good.
7. Drink alcohol. Log into Bama message board. Those arrogant !@#$ think they can beat Arkansas...but I will be nice. "You will have to play your best game to beat the hogs. We are for real this year...etc"
8. Go to bed and dream about beating Alabama.
Thursday
1. Hangover...beer is good for hangovers.
2. Watch video of Arkansas victory over Alabama in 1998. Become convinced that Alabama is worse now than they were then. We are better. Than the New England Patriots.
3. Drink Beer. Log onto Internet. Skip Hog forums...seen that before. Log straight into Alabama boards.
4. Alabama posters think they will win (arrogant bast...) don't they realize that they are playing the Hogs!?! Hog football was not invented, it was ordained by God.
5. Log on to Hog message board and tell Frankenswine (how did he come up with better name than me?), Hawglips_Hoolahan, and BaconeBacon about arrogant bama fans. They agree it is crazy to think Bama can beat us at home...or in Tuscaloosa, after all, KARK-4 picked us to win. Coordinate massive drive by flaming effort against Bama (arrogant bast...) boards.
6. Log into Bama message board. Read post prediction a n Alabama win by 2 touchdowns. Get angry and post response about delusional rednecks from Alabama. How dare you think you will beat us by two touchdowns? Our defense is improved and your defense is worse. Our offense is improved, your offense is the same as it was last year.
7. Drink more alcohol and post on Hog forums about delusional Bama fans and make incest jokes. Read homer articles on Hog fan site.
8. Go to bed and dream about how Ryan Mallett is going to single handily skull drag the over-rated Bama team that hasn't played anyone other than an over-rated PSU team that would lose to Georgia by 70.
Friday:
1. Wake up with hangover. It feels good. It reminds me of how it feels to get skull drag monkey stomped by Alabama and is how they will feel this year when Ryan Mallett wins the game, the Heisman, and the hand of Erin Andrews tomorrow. Make scrambled eggs with beer.
2. Log into the internet. Create new screen name "HoggyWanKenobe" because Ryan Mallett doesn't throw passes with his arm - he uses Jedi mind powers to will the ball to his receivers - all of whom are 7 feet tall, 400 pounds, and run the 40 in 3-flat.
3. Make post on Hog forum about teaching delusional Bama fans a thing or two.
4. Drink Alcohol. Log in to Bama site. Post about delusional they all are and how Ryan Mallett will destroy their defense Saturday. Twice.
5. Complain about post being moved to rivalry forum or deleted entirely. Run back to Hogtown and complain about arrogant bast... who are too stupid and delusional to realize that Master Yoda is coming for their children. Hogs with frickin Laser beams on their heads. Drink alcohol.
6. Post on Arkansas and Bama forums about how Arkansas will be the BCS champion and win the NFC, NBA, and Ryan Mallett will cap the year off by destroying the death star. With a football thrown so hard it goes back in time to a galaxy far, far away. Drink alcohol.
7. Read hog articles as best as can be. Something must have been wrong with the printer because the words are fuzzy. And moving. Can't read them so make up stuff that it probably says anyway like "Hogs to monkey stomp Bama 70-2." Bama scores a safety when Mallett throws the ball so hard that it circumnavigates the globe and lands out of the back of our own end zone.
8. Pass out chanting soooiie pig over and over.
Saturday
1. Wake up still drunk. Make scrambled beer. With cheetos.
2. Watch Gameday. Get mad about Corso picking Alabama. Get mad about losers being in Boise. Who goes to Iowa anyway?
3. Log into Bama sites and read. Get fired up but don't post...gonna let those rednecks have it after we win.
4. Kickoff time. More beer.
5. Watch Arkansas get shut down for first half. Alabama scores 21. Halftime score 21-7. No problem. Petrino is genius and Saban is a job hopping moron. He is probably talking to Jerry Jones right now, while Petrino is coaching and making halftime adjustments.
6. Throw stuff at TV. Scream at cheating refs. Beer gone...drink rubbing alcohol. Kick dog.
7. Decide Bama got lucky. If not for Ingram's 60 yard and Richarson's 40 and 30 yard TD runs, Bama would have only had a little over 100 yards rushing. They got lucky our secondary is not that good. A freshman QB at Georgia picked us apart too. They are still overrated. Arrogant bast... The dark side prevailed against Anakin too but he won in the end.
8. Log into Bama site and Hog site. Too drunk to post. Drink wife's fingernail polish remover and vanilla extract. Arrogant bast (hic)...next yea...pass out and dream about Shaud Williams running 80 yards.
Wash, Rinse, Repeat.
End of Line...
Alabama begins the season by playing easy out of conference opponents - and one or two more difficult games.
Arkansas begins the season by playing a team from the FCS:
2010 Tenn Tech
2009 Missouri State
2008 W. Illinois
2007 Troy (FBS weak sister. Arkie Played Chattanooga in game 5 that year)
2006 Utah State (D1A weak sister. Arkie played Southeast Missouri State in game 6 that year)
etc...
Sometimes Arkansas will have a difficult game early in the season. UGA for example. USC in 2005/2006. The usually lose it.
The days leading up to the Alabama game are very complicated for Arkansas fans. Using satellite imaging and online video surveillance streams, the MCP has spent significant time and resources tracking the events in the life of the average Hog fan over the course of the week when they play Alabama, to try and decipher the reason for their actions. The following data is the extrapolation of this action.
Here is the normal Arkansas time-line for the Alabama / Arkansas game.
Saturday night one week before the game:
1. Phew! (hickup) that was frustrating. If we play like that against Alabama, they will monkey stomp us again this year. Where is the remote? Is that a cheeto or a chicken wing? (hic) I think I am going to be...
2. Pass out dreaming of Shaud Williams running 80 yards for a touchdown.
Sunday:
1. Get up with hang over. Ask self "How could North Southeastern institute for the Deaf and Blind have held our incredible team to just 7 points in the first half. Wonder how they totaled 300 yards of offense on us. Pancakes...I can't take grease this morning.
2. Don't read paper. Newspaper might have article bashing hogs. log into message board.
3. Read posts about how offense is improving.
4. Write posts about how offense and defense are improving.
5. Read and write more posts about how offense and defense are improving. Did you know North Southeastern institute for the Deaf and Blind won their conference 3 years ago? They are not a terrible team. Toast is good.
6. Log off internet. Watch game again on VHS recording. The second half. Fast forward through commercials, 3&outs, and NSEiD&B offensive possessions.
7. Read media guide.
8. Go to bed and dream of pig things and a cool new internet message board user name.
Monday
1. Hangover gone. Good. Eat something fried and open paper to sports section, after all, the Hogs looked good Saturday.
2. Notice line for Alabama game is Bama -7.
3. Log onto internet and create user name "Hogensteins_monster." Make post "How come Bama is only -7?
4. Listen to Hawg-call radio show, scream Soooiiieeeee pig sooie! many times when they discuss the greatness of hog player X and how good he looked against the resurgent NSEiD&B powerhouse that won 10 NAIA Division 3 national titles back in the 50's. Drink something with alcohol. And agree. A few callers had criticisms that were valid.
5. Log into Bama website and make post "Here to talk football...friendly...you should win, we hope to keep it close!"
6. Eat something fried from the Dairy Diner. Drink some more alcohol. Read Bama replies. They are friendly and agree with me....arrogant bast....
7. Read Hog homer websites.
8. Go to bed and dream powerful visions of pigs and triumph.
Tuesday
1. Slight hangover. Who thought of putting a pizza inside of a hamburger? Look in refrigerator...pass. Mood worsens.
2. Read paper. Writer posts history of Alabama game. We are almost .500 against them. They only owned us lately and prior to 1997 because we were down. We showed them in the early to mid 90's when both teams were at full strength! Blame coach Nutt for recent losses.
3. Log onto internet and read Alabama message boards. They are confident but they are, after all, the #1 team in the nation.
4. Listen to Hog radio call in show. Razorbacks have a chance to win out. Alabama good, but not unbeatable. A couple of callers actually had the nerve to criticize Arkansas, but they were mostly wrong and swiftly dealt with.
5. Log into Hog homer site. Discuss Bama overconvidence with Hogtimus_Prime and OccamsRazorback. Those Bama fans actually think they should be favored, even though the game is in Fayettenam.
6. Drink Alcohol. Post on Bama board "I hope your team/coaches are overlooking Arkansas the way you fans are.' (arrogant bast....)
7. Read Popular hog magazine
8. Sleep and dream about how great recruiting has been over past 5 years.
Wednesday
1. Breakfast...Beer. Make breakfast...leftover hot wings from Hooties this past Saturday.
2. Remember dream about how great recruiting was. Agree with dream.
3. Log into Hog fan message board. Read thread about arrogant Bama player who said "We are approaching this game the same way we always do. Our goal is to dominate every week" or something similar. Get angry. Arrogant bast...
4. Listen to hog fan radio. Nothing but good things to say about hogs. Agree. There is nothing bad to say.
5. Look at Alabama record. Note that they have beaten 2 weak D1 teams - and 1 good one. But the good one was not as good as NSEiD&B. Penn State/Va Tech/Clemson is down this season and overrated.
6. Write off Alabama stats. Games against weak teams don't prove anything. Arkansas is much improved this season. Alabama is not as good.
7. Drink alcohol. Log into Bama message board. Those arrogant !@#$ think they can beat Arkansas...but I will be nice. "You will have to play your best game to beat the hogs. We are for real this year...etc"
8. Go to bed and dream about beating Alabama.
Thursday
1. Hangover...beer is good for hangovers.
2. Watch video of Arkansas victory over Alabama in 1998. Become convinced that Alabama is worse now than they were then. We are better. Than the New England Patriots.
3. Drink Beer. Log onto Internet. Skip Hog forums...seen that before. Log straight into Alabama boards.
4. Alabama posters think they will win (arrogant bast...) don't they realize that they are playing the Hogs!?! Hog football was not invented, it was ordained by God.
5. Log on to Hog message board and tell Frankenswine (how did he come up with better name than me?), Hawglips_Hoolahan, and BaconeBacon about arrogant bama fans. They agree it is crazy to think Bama can beat us at home...or in Tuscaloosa, after all, KARK-4 picked us to win. Coordinate massive drive by flaming effort against Bama (arrogant bast...) boards.
6. Log into Bama message board. Read post prediction a n Alabama win by 2 touchdowns. Get angry and post response about delusional rednecks from Alabama. How dare you think you will beat us by two touchdowns? Our defense is improved and your defense is worse. Our offense is improved, your offense is the same as it was last year.
7. Drink more alcohol and post on Hog forums about delusional Bama fans and make incest jokes. Read homer articles on Hog fan site.
8. Go to bed and dream about how Ryan Mallett is going to single handily skull drag the over-rated Bama team that hasn't played anyone other than an over-rated PSU team that would lose to Georgia by 70.
Friday:
1. Wake up with hangover. It feels good. It reminds me of how it feels to get skull drag monkey stomped by Alabama and is how they will feel this year when Ryan Mallett wins the game, the Heisman, and the hand of Erin Andrews tomorrow. Make scrambled eggs with beer.
2. Log into the internet. Create new screen name "HoggyWanKenobe" because Ryan Mallett doesn't throw passes with his arm - he uses Jedi mind powers to will the ball to his receivers - all of whom are 7 feet tall, 400 pounds, and run the 40 in 3-flat.
3. Make post on Hog forum about teaching delusional Bama fans a thing or two.
4. Drink Alcohol. Log in to Bama site. Post about delusional they all are and how Ryan Mallett will destroy their defense Saturday. Twice.
5. Complain about post being moved to rivalry forum or deleted entirely. Run back to Hogtown and complain about arrogant bast... who are too stupid and delusional to realize that Master Yoda is coming for their children. Hogs with frickin Laser beams on their heads. Drink alcohol.
6. Post on Arkansas and Bama forums about how Arkansas will be the BCS champion and win the NFC, NBA, and Ryan Mallett will cap the year off by destroying the death star. With a football thrown so hard it goes back in time to a galaxy far, far away. Drink alcohol.
7. Read hog articles as best as can be. Something must have been wrong with the printer because the words are fuzzy. And moving. Can't read them so make up stuff that it probably says anyway like "Hogs to monkey stomp Bama 70-2." Bama scores a safety when Mallett throws the ball so hard that it circumnavigates the globe and lands out of the back of our own end zone.
8. Pass out chanting soooiie pig over and over.
Saturday
1. Wake up still drunk. Make scrambled beer. With cheetos.
2. Watch Gameday. Get mad about Corso picking Alabama. Get mad about losers being in Boise. Who goes to Iowa anyway?
3. Log into Bama sites and read. Get fired up but don't post...gonna let those rednecks have it after we win.
4. Kickoff time. More beer.
5. Watch Arkansas get shut down for first half. Alabama scores 21. Halftime score 21-7. No problem. Petrino is genius and Saban is a job hopping moron. He is probably talking to Jerry Jones right now, while Petrino is coaching and making halftime adjustments.
6. Throw stuff at TV. Scream at cheating refs. Beer gone...drink rubbing alcohol. Kick dog.
7. Decide Bama got lucky. If not for Ingram's 60 yard and Richarson's 40 and 30 yard TD runs, Bama would have only had a little over 100 yards rushing. They got lucky our secondary is not that good. A freshman QB at Georgia picked us apart too. They are still overrated. Arrogant bast... The dark side prevailed against Anakin too but he won in the end.
8. Log into Bama site and Hog site. Too drunk to post. Drink wife's fingernail polish remover and vanilla extract. Arrogant bast (hic)...next yea...pass out and dream about Shaud Williams running 80 yards.
Wash, Rinse, Repeat.
End of Line...
