MARYLAND: Crabs / David Hasselhoff / “House of Cards” (TV show) / Kickball / National Football League / Skate or Die / What is Twitter?
Analysis: David Hasselhoff? Is Maryland America’s Germany?
MASSACHUSETTS: Canadian Men / Eyebrow Waxing / George Costanza / Hangover Cure / Muppets / PCP / Tinder / Yoga
Analysis: If you can land a date with one of the much coveted Canadian men in Massachusetts, be sure to take him to the premier of “The Muppets Take PCP”. The Oscars buzz is real.
MINNESOTA: Football / Hipster / Personal Injury Lawyer / Rollerblading / Synchronized Swimming / Women’s National Basketball Association
Analysis: Let’s see how this compares to Wisconsin…
MICHIGAN: Knock-Knock Jokes / Little Caesars / Omelette / Taco Bell / Topless Bar / Where do babies come from?
Analysis: A first date in Michigan consists of meeting for fast foot and telling each other knock-knock jokes.
MISSISSIPPI: Candy Crush / Codeine / Dog Fighting / Lose Weight / Making Crack / Tupac Is Alive / Twerking / What is Instagram?
Analysis: What happens in Mississippi stays in Mississippi, and it’s definitely for the best that Mississippi doesn’t know how to post photos of it on Instagram.
MISSOURI: Family Circus (comic) / Nelly (rapper)
Analysis: Missouri’s wifi must have gone out sometime in 2002.
MONTANA: Bill O’Reilly (TV host) / Gun Rights / National Rifle Association / Meth
Analysis: So that’s how they use the internet in Montana…
NEBRASKA: Jazzercise / Shuffleboard
Analysis: The state’s new tourism slogan is “Come for the shuffleboard, stay for the Jazzercise”
NEVADA: Bitcoin / Breast Implants / Gamblers Anonymous / Great White (band) / Guy Fiery (TV chef) / Online Poker / Quiet Riot (band) / Tattoo Removal
Analysis: The shallow hedonism that was the 1980s is alive and well in Nevada.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: Cats / Ellen Degeneres (TV host) / Fireworks / Free Kittens / Live Free or Die / Ron Paul
Analysis: You can pet New Hampshire’s cats when you pry them from their cold, dead hands!
NEW JERSEY: Bon Jovi / Britney Spears / Cure for Baldness / Girdles / New Jersey Jokes / Pantaloons / Six Pack Abs / Teletubbies / Thumb Wrestling
Analysis: In New Jersey, nobody makes fun of your belly or bald spot when you’re the local thumb wrestling champ.
NEW MEXICO: Frito Pie / Juggalos / Peyote / U.F.O.
Analysis: Hopefully the U.F.O.s are just hear to abduct the Juggalos and they leave the Frito pie alone.
NEW YORK: Bail Money / Bed Bugs / Bill Maher (comedian) / Darwinism / Fur Coats / George Michael (singer) / Hangover Remedy / Marrying Cousin / Propecia / Sniffing Glue
Analysis: The saddest day in a New Yorker’s life is the day you raise bail money by selling your fur coat.
NORTH CAROLINA: Barbecue / Charles Barkley’s Golf Swing / White Snake (band) / Your Mama Jokes
Analysis: People are just having a real nice time on the internet in ol’ North Carolina
NORTH DAKOTA: Aliens / Chewing Tobacco / Curling / Fergie (singer) / Figure Skating / Mötley Crüe
Analysis: They party differently in North Dakota.
OHIO: Lebron James / Libertarian / P90X / Raccoon Hunting / Weight Watchers
Analysis: A lot people in Ohio wondering what the Weight Watchers points are for a grilled raccoon.
OKLAHOMA: Atheism / Benghazi / Miley Cyrus / Noodling / Obama Muslim / Pat Robertson / PT Cruiser
Analysis: For anyone looking to make a coffee table book of anti-Obama stickers on the bumpers of PT Cruiser, the state to do it is Oklahoma.
OREGON: Allah / Sex / Spork
Analysis: Somebody needs to go and check on Oregon.
PENNSYLVANIA: Back Shaving / Beer / Competitive Eating / Eagles (band) / Freedom / Furries / Heroin / Jello Wrestling / Madden NFL (video game) / Malt Liquor / “Married With Children” (TV show), Major League Baseball / National Hockey League / Online Dating / Oxycodone / Partying / Taylor Swift (singer) / What is ketchup?
Analysis: Might be time for the other state’s to organize an intervention for Pennsylvania.
RHODE ISLAND: Andre the Giant / Beer Pong / Blumpkins / How to roll a blunt? / MSNBC
Analysis: So is Rhode Island is just one big college fraternity?
SOUTH CAROLINA: The Benghazi Attack / Golf / Hootie & the Blowfish (band) / Nudist Colony
Analysis: After a long day of golfing, the remaining members of Hootie & the Blowfish like to take off their clothes, watch some FOX News, and complain about Darius Rucker’s solo career.
SOUTH DAKOTA: Nickelback
Analysis: Just Nickelback.
TENNESSEE: Elvis Presley / Is my wife cheating?
Analysis: Elvis left the building 37 years ago, possibly with your wife.
TEXAS: Are dinosaurs real? / Are zombies real? / The Bill of Rights / Boogers / Calf Implants / Can dogs talk? / Chupacrabra / Curves International (company) / Do I have herpes? / Does beer make you fat? / Government Mind Control / How to cook meth? / How to sell your soul to the Devil? / Justin Bieber (singer) / Krunk / Meth Recipes / Porn / Purple Drank / Rodeo / Snake Bites / Tacos
Analysis: Texas asks a lot of questions, has a worrisome level of interest in crystal meth, and probably a sore that should be looked at by doctor, but the Lone Star State also has a boatload of tacos. So many delicious tacos.
UTAH: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints / Def Leppard (band) / Demolition Derby / Girls Gone Wild / Global Warming Hoax / Jay Leno / Kama Sutra / Laser Hair Removal / Magic Tricks / Mustaches / Star Trek / Star Wars / Twinkie / Tinder / Twilight (book series) / Weird Al Yankovic (singer) / What is the internet?
Analysis: Utah spends too much time on the internet.
VERMONT: Kale Recipe / Annie Lennox (musician) / “The Daily Show” (TV show) / Gwar (band) / Poetry / Phish (band) / LSD / Stephen Colbert
Analysis: Perhaps it’s not surprising that Vermont is also the whitest state in America.
VIRGINIA: Barney & Friends (TV show)/ Blackeyed Peas (music group) / Che Guevara / Evolution / Farmville / Shakira (singer)
Analysis: Virginia, I love you, you love the Blackeyed Peas, this is why we can’t be a family.
WASHINGTON: Circumcision / Dungeons & Dragons / Gluten / Judas Priest (band) / Non-Alcoholic Beer / Pho, Quinoa / Rachel Maddow (TV Host) / Unicorn Tattoo / Happy Hour /
Analysis: At dinner parties in Washington state, it’s customary to follow the quinoa course a gluten-free dessert. After that, everyone retires to the library for a non-alcoholic beer and a casual conversation about circumcision.
WEST VIRGINIA: Anarchy / Belly Button Piercing / Cat Videos / Conspiracy Theories / Ferrets / Ghosts / How to make moonshine? / Infected Piercing / Meat Loaf Recipe / Methadone / Nancy Grace / Scabies / Second Amendment / Steroids / Vampires / Who let the dogs out?
Analysis: If U.S. states were competing in “The Bachelor”, West Virginia would be the first to not receive a rose.
WISCONSIN: Beanie Babies / Green Party / Log Rolling / Menthol Cigarettes / Mike’s Hard Lemonade / Oprah’s Book Club / Survival Shelter
Analysis: Wisconsin knows full well that in the event of an economic collapse, dollars will be replaced by a currency of cigarettes, alcohol, and Beanie Babies.
WYOMING: Ann Coulter / The Constitution / Crank / Rush Limbaugh / Sheep / Socialism
Analysis: Not a fun state to be a liberal alpaca farmer.