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The Resident College Football Expert Week 2: Dr.Expert?
By The Resident College Football Expert
The Resident College Football Expert last week was treated to what can only be called the greatest five minutes in the history of television. It was funny, creative, imaginative, and informative. Of course The Expert is referring to the ESPN segment called “Ask Dr. Lou”. If they could just find a way to turn this into a 30 minute show, they could just sit back and watch the Emmys roll in.
It was such greatness, The Expert must rip it off for his “week in review”. Before we start however, note that this segment includes phone calls and The Expert assumes his readers are smart enough to know that a phone must ring before a call is initiated. Sure, The Expert could include a *ring ring* at the beginning of each call to simulate a phone ringing, but would be the point of that? It would just be a lot of extra typing that would ultimately not bring much to segment. Now some would argue it may be less typing than doing this whole rant, but it’s also a little silly to have *ring ring* inserted all throughout the article. Not to mention how silly The Expert would feel typing *ring ring*, *ring ring*, over and over again. It’s just nonsense… OK, never mind, you win, we’ll use the *ring ring*. What The Expert won’t do for you?
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Dave Wannstedt, am I the dumbest coach ever?
Wanny, no one is arguing your stupidity, but it is terribly conceited of you to go around making claims like you are the “dumbest coach ever”. Listen, when The Expert builds his stupid coach hall of fame, you have a wing all to yourself, but it’s hard to believe that in the 140 years of college football, there wasn’t a single coach dumber than you somewhere along the way. Or maybe not…
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Al Groh, what’s this about Wannstedt claiming to be the dumbest coach ever?
Al, not many people would want to take you on in a stupidity contest, but if you try to take on Wanny, you‘ll be blown out worse than you were blown out by USC last week. You have actually almost accomplished something in your career, think about it. In 2003, you actually almost beat Florida State. That was impressive. Wanny’s only accomplishments in coaching are kissing up to Mike Ditka and Jimmy Johnson to weasel his way into head coaching jobs. The stupidity he then used to run those once powerful teams right into the ground was masterful. Such stupidity is rarely accomplished these days, unless it’s by someone saying the words, “Let’s hire “Dave Wannstedt”.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Lloyd Carr, now that I’m retired, do you have any pointers for me on how I could improve my golf game?
Lloyd, how much did you sell your dignity and self-respect to ESPN for? 500 bucks? 750? Do you really need attention so badly that you would subject yourself to something as stupid as “Ask Dr. Lou?” Or did you read the script and think to yourself “Wow, I have to be a part of this!“? You’re a 68 year-old man for crying out loud. Just be retired and go away.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Tommy Bowden. In case you haven’t heard, I’ve been calling everybody I can think of to ask what I did wrong on Saturday.
Tommy, you didn’t do anything wrong Saturday. For Clemson, the mistake happened last year when your AD decided to schedule Alabama.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Tom O’Brien. Did I make a mistake leaving Boston College?
You made a mistake by having a quarterback and an offensive coordinator who couldn’t figure out how to score a single point after your opponent throws an interception on each of their first four possessions. Think about it, your team got four picks and you still found a way to lose. That kind of performance could get you landed on the Stupid Coach List before too long.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Phillip Fulmer. What’s that about getting four interceptions and losing the game?
*giggles* and you’re fat.
*ring ring* *ring ring* *ring ring*
Caller ID said “Lou Holtz”….Let’s just move on. ( You see The Expert’s alterative motive for leaving in the *ring ring* was to do that joke. Looking back on it, it doesn’t seem worth it.)
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Tommy Tubberville. Where can I find a decent quarterback?
The Expert knows of three, but unfortunately, they’ve all committed to Nick Saban.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is June Jones. Why did I leave Hawai’i?
The Expert has been working under the assumption that you have lost your mind. It had to be. No one is dumb enough to believe the “Losing at SMU is better than winning at Texas” line will actually work on recruits.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is your loving and adoring fans. Where’s the North Texas pick, what happen to the North Texas pick, we miss the North Texas pick, Waaaa Waaaa Waaaaa.
Fine, you win. This week will mark the return of “The North Texas Hating Pick Of the Week”. So because you want it, because you NEED it, no more playing around…..on to THE PICKS!
Thursday Night Special:
South Carolina Vs Vanderbilt
Vandy may actually lead the conference this year in senior leadership on offense. Combine that with the fact that South Carolina is only 1-6 against the spread in their last seven against the Commode Doors and this one should be a dandy. With the Gamecocks starting Chris Smelley this week (yes, that Chris Smelley) this one will even end in an upset victory for Vandy! Vanderbilt 20 South Carolina 17
Saturday
Tulane Vs Alabama
This game, however, contains an almost zero percent chance of an upset. Tulane returns practically no one from a team that last season wasn’t really all that good. Bama features a slew of talented freshmen eager to compile huge stats in front of the home crowd. Bama 48 Tulane 0
Miami Vs Florida
Believe it or not, the Hurricanes still have a football team, just not a very good one. The Gators on the other hand have the greatest football player EVER in Tim Tebow (according to the media anyway). Despite what Urban Meyer told QB recruits this week, Tebow isn’t moving to linebacker this game and he will lead the Gators to victory. Florida 24 Miami 10
Stanford Vs Arizona St
The Cardinal is flying high after their “big“ upset victory over Oregon State last week. Seriously, when did beating Oregon State become a big deal? Maybe Stanford will finally win more than one game this year, but they will not take out the second best team in the Pac 10. Ariz St 38 Stanford 17
Georgia Tech Vs Boston College
What happens when a one man team (Matt Ryan, Boston College) loses their one above average player? What’s left behind is nothing more than junk. Tech appears to be responding well to Paul Johnson’s offense. Tech will take this one. Ga Tech 25 Boston College 23
Brain Numbing Upsets of the Week
Southern Miss Vs All-Barn
The Expert is loving Southern Miss and the points in this game and all signs point to the Golden Eagles pulling the upset and winning it straight up. The Expert just does not see any scenario in which the Tigers will actually score points with Todd taking the snaps and they just won’t score enough on defense and special teams to win again this week. Southern Miss 27 All-Barn 10
East Carolina Vs West Virginia
Can East Carolina keep it rolling for a second straight week? Certainly they can against West Virginia. The Expert watched Pat White throw enough passes the last couple of years that he isn’t going to let one little five TD performance suddenly make him believe that White is the second coming of Steve Young. This week, the Mountaineers will pay for revamping their offense. East Carolina 20 West Virginia 17
Ole Missy Vs Wake Forest
It really has more to do with Wake Forest being overrated than it does with Ole Miss being good. Coach Nutty has his team believing they have a lot to prove. What they will prove this weekend (once again) is that the SEC is superior in every way to the ACC. Ole Missy 31 Wake Forest 24
The Return of the North Texas Hating Pick of the Week
North Texas Vs Tulsa
Amazingly, some how North Texas has managed to field their worst team in years. Amazing only because for the past few years, North Texas has had the worst team in football, so it’s hard to imagine how they could get any worse. This week, they will be absolutely destroyed by Tulsa. Tulsa 35 North Texas 3
By The Resident College Football Expert
The Resident College Football Expert last week was treated to what can only be called the greatest five minutes in the history of television. It was funny, creative, imaginative, and informative. Of course The Expert is referring to the ESPN segment called “Ask Dr. Lou”. If they could just find a way to turn this into a 30 minute show, they could just sit back and watch the Emmys roll in.
It was such greatness, The Expert must rip it off for his “week in review”. Before we start however, note that this segment includes phone calls and The Expert assumes his readers are smart enough to know that a phone must ring before a call is initiated. Sure, The Expert could include a *ring ring* at the beginning of each call to simulate a phone ringing, but would be the point of that? It would just be a lot of extra typing that would ultimately not bring much to segment. Now some would argue it may be less typing than doing this whole rant, but it’s also a little silly to have *ring ring* inserted all throughout the article. Not to mention how silly The Expert would feel typing *ring ring*, *ring ring*, over and over again. It’s just nonsense… OK, never mind, you win, we’ll use the *ring ring*. What The Expert won’t do for you?
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Dave Wannstedt, am I the dumbest coach ever?
Wanny, no one is arguing your stupidity, but it is terribly conceited of you to go around making claims like you are the “dumbest coach ever”. Listen, when The Expert builds his stupid coach hall of fame, you have a wing all to yourself, but it’s hard to believe that in the 140 years of college football, there wasn’t a single coach dumber than you somewhere along the way. Or maybe not…
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Al Groh, what’s this about Wannstedt claiming to be the dumbest coach ever?
Al, not many people would want to take you on in a stupidity contest, but if you try to take on Wanny, you‘ll be blown out worse than you were blown out by USC last week. You have actually almost accomplished something in your career, think about it. In 2003, you actually almost beat Florida State. That was impressive. Wanny’s only accomplishments in coaching are kissing up to Mike Ditka and Jimmy Johnson to weasel his way into head coaching jobs. The stupidity he then used to run those once powerful teams right into the ground was masterful. Such stupidity is rarely accomplished these days, unless it’s by someone saying the words, “Let’s hire “Dave Wannstedt”.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Lloyd Carr, now that I’m retired, do you have any pointers for me on how I could improve my golf game?
Lloyd, how much did you sell your dignity and self-respect to ESPN for? 500 bucks? 750? Do you really need attention so badly that you would subject yourself to something as stupid as “Ask Dr. Lou?” Or did you read the script and think to yourself “Wow, I have to be a part of this!“? You’re a 68 year-old man for crying out loud. Just be retired and go away.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Tommy Bowden. In case you haven’t heard, I’ve been calling everybody I can think of to ask what I did wrong on Saturday.
Tommy, you didn’t do anything wrong Saturday. For Clemson, the mistake happened last year when your AD decided to schedule Alabama.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Tom O’Brien. Did I make a mistake leaving Boston College?
You made a mistake by having a quarterback and an offensive coordinator who couldn’t figure out how to score a single point after your opponent throws an interception on each of their first four possessions. Think about it, your team got four picks and you still found a way to lose. That kind of performance could get you landed on the Stupid Coach List before too long.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Phillip Fulmer. What’s that about getting four interceptions and losing the game?
*giggles* and you’re fat.
*ring ring* *ring ring* *ring ring*
Caller ID said “Lou Holtz”….Let’s just move on. ( You see The Expert’s alterative motive for leaving in the *ring ring* was to do that joke. Looking back on it, it doesn’t seem worth it.)
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is Tommy Tubberville. Where can I find a decent quarterback?
The Expert knows of three, but unfortunately, they’ve all committed to Nick Saban.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is June Jones. Why did I leave Hawai’i?
The Expert has been working under the assumption that you have lost your mind. It had to be. No one is dumb enough to believe the “Losing at SMU is better than winning at Texas” line will actually work on recruits.
*ring ring* Dr. Expert, this is your loving and adoring fans. Where’s the North Texas pick, what happen to the North Texas pick, we miss the North Texas pick, Waaaa Waaaa Waaaaa.
Fine, you win. This week will mark the return of “The North Texas Hating Pick Of the Week”. So because you want it, because you NEED it, no more playing around…..on to THE PICKS!
Thursday Night Special:
South Carolina Vs Vanderbilt
Vandy may actually lead the conference this year in senior leadership on offense. Combine that with the fact that South Carolina is only 1-6 against the spread in their last seven against the Commode Doors and this one should be a dandy. With the Gamecocks starting Chris Smelley this week (yes, that Chris Smelley) this one will even end in an upset victory for Vandy! Vanderbilt 20 South Carolina 17
Saturday
Tulane Vs Alabama
This game, however, contains an almost zero percent chance of an upset. Tulane returns practically no one from a team that last season wasn’t really all that good. Bama features a slew of talented freshmen eager to compile huge stats in front of the home crowd. Bama 48 Tulane 0
Miami Vs Florida
Believe it or not, the Hurricanes still have a football team, just not a very good one. The Gators on the other hand have the greatest football player EVER in Tim Tebow (according to the media anyway). Despite what Urban Meyer told QB recruits this week, Tebow isn’t moving to linebacker this game and he will lead the Gators to victory. Florida 24 Miami 10
Stanford Vs Arizona St
The Cardinal is flying high after their “big“ upset victory over Oregon State last week. Seriously, when did beating Oregon State become a big deal? Maybe Stanford will finally win more than one game this year, but they will not take out the second best team in the Pac 10. Ariz St 38 Stanford 17
Georgia Tech Vs Boston College
What happens when a one man team (Matt Ryan, Boston College) loses their one above average player? What’s left behind is nothing more than junk. Tech appears to be responding well to Paul Johnson’s offense. Tech will take this one. Ga Tech 25 Boston College 23
Brain Numbing Upsets of the Week
Southern Miss Vs All-Barn
The Expert is loving Southern Miss and the points in this game and all signs point to the Golden Eagles pulling the upset and winning it straight up. The Expert just does not see any scenario in which the Tigers will actually score points with Todd taking the snaps and they just won’t score enough on defense and special teams to win again this week. Southern Miss 27 All-Barn 10
East Carolina Vs West Virginia
Can East Carolina keep it rolling for a second straight week? Certainly they can against West Virginia. The Expert watched Pat White throw enough passes the last couple of years that he isn’t going to let one little five TD performance suddenly make him believe that White is the second coming of Steve Young. This week, the Mountaineers will pay for revamping their offense. East Carolina 20 West Virginia 17
Ole Missy Vs Wake Forest
It really has more to do with Wake Forest being overrated than it does with Ole Miss being good. Coach Nutty has his team believing they have a lot to prove. What they will prove this weekend (once again) is that the SEC is superior in every way to the ACC. Ole Missy 31 Wake Forest 24
The Return of the North Texas Hating Pick of the Week
North Texas Vs Tulsa
Amazingly, some how North Texas has managed to field their worst team in years. Amazing only because for the past few years, North Texas has had the worst team in football, so it’s hard to imagine how they could get any worse. This week, they will be absolutely destroyed by Tulsa. Tulsa 35 North Texas 3
