|
   
 
TEACH HIM A LESSON
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to
hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the
farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land. The old
farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a
favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with
cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it
for me?
The hunter said, "Sure" and headed for the car. Walking
back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting
buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer
said it was OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm
going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he
rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.
As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" A
second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his
hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!!!"
Deer
hunters at the bar
One night during the local deer hunting season a police
officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar
for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw
a deer hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb,
then try his keys in five different cars before he found
his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with
his keys for several minutes. All the other deer
hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he
started his engine and began to pull away. The
police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the
Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of
0.00. The puzzle officer demanded to know how that
could be. The deer hunter replied, "Tonight I'm
the designated decoy." |
|
|
A husband was out
fishing until late afternoon...tired and hungry after a
long day of fishing, he finally came in to grab supper and
left his gear in his canoe. His wife decided that she
wanted to go out on the lake and enjoy the sunset so she
went down to the lake and pushed the canoe out. Not long
afterwards a gamewarden came by, and asked if she had her
fishing license with her. "I'm not fishing" she replied.
The warden answered back, "While perhaps not, but you have
all the equipment. I'm going to have to write you a
citation for not having a license." The wife slightly
aggitated but quick
on her feet said to him, "Well, alright. But I'm going to
have to call the cops and have you arrested for raping
me.". "What!!" the game warden replied, "I didn't rape
you!". To this the woman replied, "While perhaps not, but
you have all the equipment."
|
Dave and
Fred get lost
One day Dave and Fred were Deer Hunting, and they got
lost. Dave tells Fred "wait, don't panic I
learned what to do in case this happens. Your
supposed to shoot up into the air three times and someone
will here you and come with help," "okay"
said Fred. So he shoots three times into the air.
They both wait an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot
three times again and still no one shows up. Bewildered
they try this again and again for the next couple of
hours. Fred starts to look a little worried, then he
shouts "It better work this time, were down to our
last three arrows!" |
|
3 deer
hunters
Three men go deer hunting, two are smart, and one is dumb.
The first smart one goes out and 2 hours later comes back
with a deer. The other two ask how he did it, and he said,
"I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found
the deer, I killed the deer."
So the other smart one goes out, and 1 hour later he comes
back with a deer. They ask how he did it. He said " I
found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer,
I killed the deer."
So the dumb hunter goes out, and 2 hours later, he comes
back beaten and bruised. The other 2 asked what happened.
He said "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I
got hit by a train." |
|
2 deer
hunters
Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without
success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They
got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the
mating call of a female deer.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then
come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set
themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their
costume and began to give the deer love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came
crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said,
"Okay, let's get out and get him." After a
moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to
do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself." |
|
4 deer
hunters
Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an ten-point buck.
"Where's Billy Bob?"
"Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple
of miles back up the trail."
"You left Billy Bob laying out there and carried the
deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I
figured no one, in their right mind, is going to steal
Billy Bob." |
|
They shot 6
deer
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for
deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture
and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as
arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including
the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said,
"The plane can only take four of your deer, you will
have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the
year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed
them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and
capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to
put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and
leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and
they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the
other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think
so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about
the same place where we crashed last year!" |
|
Elderly
farmer and young wife
The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife
was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his
doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field plowing and
feel a yearning for your wife." said the doctor,
"don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day,
but quit what you're doing and go to the house."
"I tried that," said the farmer, "but by
the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no
use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your rifle
with you when you leave the house in the morning and if
you feel the urge, shoot the rifle and she will come down
there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer,
"then deer hunting season opened and I haven't seen
her since." |
|
Deer hunting
in bear country
A first time deer
hunter booked a hunt with an experienced outfitter. He
would be hunting a productive area, but it was filled with
grizzly bears. When he got to camp, he insisted that his
guide be 60 years old or older. The outfitter thought this
was very odd, seeing that the hunter himself was in his
early thirties.
The novice hunter downed a nice buck, but skinning and
butchering the deer attracted some big grizzlies in the
area. The hunter returned to base camp with his clothes
shredded, telling the story of being attacked by a bear.
The outfitter wanted to know where his guide was. The
hunter said he was still laying in the woods. The
outfitter asked him how his clothes got torn, and the
hunter said that while they were working on the deer
carcass, a grizzly bear had ambushed them and he was
attacked.
He said, "I hit the bear with my gun and took off
running. As I was running away the guide yelled at me to
play dead, that you can't outrun a bear. I yelled back, I
don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun
you."
Bruce and Bubba
go deer hunting
Bruce and Bubba went deer hunting, and Bubba shot a deer.
They started to take it back to their truck. They were
pulling it by the hind feet. That made the fur snag on the
ground, making it hard to pull.
Another hunter, seeing their dilemma, told them it would
be easier to pull the deer by the rack. That way the fur
wouldn't snag on the ground. The guys thanked the man, and
he went on.
After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the
rack. Bruce turned to Bubba and said,"Ya know, this
is a lot easier to drag now." Bubba said,"Yeah,
but we sure are getting a long way away from the
truck."
The old
buck and young buck
Their was this old buck and a young buck standing on top
of a ridge overlooking a lush meadow. Grazing in the
meadow below were about 20 unsuspecting doe.
The young buck said to the old buck "Why don't we run
down to the meadow and mate with one of those doe".
The old buck turns to the young buck and replied "Why
don't we walk down to the meadow and mate with them
all".
Moral of the story "With age comes wisdom".
Man and
wife at the big horn show
A man takes his wife to the
Big Horn show. As they strolled through the show enjoying
sites they noticed a seminar on the life cycle of the
deer. They thought that this sounded interesting so they
went in and joined the seminar already in progress.
About that time the speaker stated that "A dominant
buck may mate 100 or more times in a single season."
His wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! 100 times
in a season, that's more than once a day! You could really
learn from these deer."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Raise your hand
and inquire if it was 100 times with the same doe."
Three bucks
Three bucks are in a
mountain meadow complaining. They've heard a rumor that a
huge buck has entered their area, and they aren't happy
about sharing any of their does.
The Alpha buck says, "You know, since we settled our
differences and split up the does, I've been pretty happy
with MY 30 does. I am not about to share any of MY does
with this new buck."
The second toughest buck says, "Yeah, well I ended up
with only 20 does, so I can't afford to share any of MY
does."
The youngest buck says, "I may only be half as big as
you guys, but I'm not going to give up any of My 10
does."
Suddenly the biggest, baddest buck they had ever seen
appeared at the edge of the meadow. He must have weighed
close to 375 pounds and with huge sweeping antlers. As the
huge buck trotted towards the three other bucks the ground
seemed to shake.
Suddenly the former Alpha buck is a bit more flexible,
"Well, maybe I could spare a FEW does."
The second toughest buck says, "Maybe if I hide in
the bushes, he'll leave me alone."
But the small, young buck is snorting, raking the brush
and shaking his fledgling antlers in an extremely
confrontational way.
Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bucks
trot over to the young buck and say, "Listen, son.
It's not worth dying for. Just give the new buck your 10
does."
"He can HAVE my 10 does," replies the young
buck, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers
again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a
BUCK!"
Two men go
hunting
Two men from the states
were very excited about a 3 day hunting trip. They were
going to Canada to hunt some big game animals, since they
were just used to hunting small deer, rabbit, and squirrel
in the states. The first day the game warden wished them
luck cause it hadn't been a good season and no one had
killed anything in two weeks.
The two men left to go hunting and when they came back
that night the warden greeted them by saying, "Have
any luck?" The men pulled up a huge buck that they
had killed which had a bullet hole right between the eyes.
The warden congratulated them and said, "That was one
heck of a shot."
The next day the warden greeted the two men again before
they left and again wished them luck. This night the men
came back with an even bigger buck and the buck also had a
bullet hole right between the eyes. The warden was amazed
at their success and also the good aim the hunters had.
The last day went about the same as the first two and on
the last night the two hunters came back with a huge
grizzly bear. The bear also had a bullet hole right
between the eyes but it also had a hole in each paw. The
warden noticed this and questioned the two men how that
happened. One of the hunters replied with, "That's
where he tried to cover his eyes from the spot
light."
A
man was recently stopped by a game warden in northern
Missouri. The fellow carrying two buckets of fish, was
leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden
asks the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish? If you don't, I'm going too have to impound them and
arrest you." The man replied to the game warden,
"No sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet
fish?" the warden replied. "Yes sir. Every night
I bring these fish down to the lake and let them swim
around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump back into
their buckets, and we go home." "That's a bunch
of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the
game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll
show you it really works." "OK I've got to see
this" (he was really curious now) The man poured the
fish into the lake and stood there waiting. "When are
you going to call them back?" the warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked. "The
fish" the warden said. "What fish?" the man
asked
A
couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one
of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing: his eyes are rolled in
his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls
911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is
dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm
soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow
my instructions. First, let's make sure he's
dead." There is silence....and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now
What?"
TOP TEN WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR
HYPOCRITICAL, PETA-SUPPORTING NYC NEIGHBORS:
10. Drive down Broadway with
your deer tied to the hood of your car.
9. Hang your unbutchered kill from your fire escape to
drain.
8. Show off your fashionable new deerhide moccasins.
7. Use the politically correct paradox--invite them over
for a low-fat, low-cholesterol venison dinner.
(Be sure to play "Bambi" on your VCR
afterwards.)
6. Don't shower after four days in the woods.
5. Mount your deerhead over your fireplace.
4. Set out your hunting magazines on your coffee table.
3. Ask them if you can take their dog hunting with you.
2. Ask them if you can take their children hunting with
you.
And our number one way to piss off your do-gooder,
hypocritical, PETA-supporting NYC neighbors:
1. Join the NRA.
One Liners:
- "I
just got a new rifle for my wife. It was the best
trade I ever made."
- "What
is the definition of a non-typical whitetail?"
"One that stays off the highway!"
-
- "What
is the definition of a workaholic?" "A
person who dosn't hunt."
- "I
just love animals." "They taste GREAT
!!!"
- "What
does PETA stand for?" "People Eating Tasty
Animals"
- Vegetarian
-- Ancient Indian word for inept, clumsy hunter.
- Protect
your hunting rights, "Spay or neuter a
liberal."
|
All jokes and pictures have been sent
in by people like you and me so keep them coming, please email
me at doemasters@aol.com
if you have anymore to add. Be sure to check out whitetails.com
for more hunting jokes and pictures.They have about
everything you can imagine
|
